




The Germ Hunters 






Dramatic Play 

for three male and four 
female characters 

By E. J. Freund 
No plays exchanged 

ANTIGO PUBLISHING CO. 

Antigo. Wis 






Copyright 1Q21 by Antigo Publishing Company 







The Germ Hunters 




% 


Dramatic Play 

for three male and four 
female characters 

By E. J. Freund 
No plays exchanged 

ANTIGO PUBLISHING CO. ' 

Antigo. Wis 






Copyright 1921 by Antigo Publishing Company 





^t>' 



The Germ Hunters 

Characters: — 

Abe Ryan, portly, agreeable elderly gentleman in 
smoking jacket and slippers. A silk handkerchief 
tied over his mouth. 

Lizzie Ryan, his wife, thin and nervous, dressed very 
modern. Silk handkerchief tied over mouth. 

Minnie, kitchen maid, healthy and fond of laughter. 

Aunt Anna, Sister of Mrs. Ryan, sensible and somewhat 
stern lady of about thirty years, sensibly dressed. 

Mrs. Holzmann, neighbor, portly and brave, in foot free 
dress. 

Mr. Teller, city's Tax Collector. 

Mr. Filling, municipal policeman. 
Remark: — Do not fold the silk handkerchief, but lead it 
over your nose and tie a knot in the small of your 
neck; it must cover the nose and hang over the entire 
mouth. 

Because of this cloth over the mouth, the actors must 
speak loud and very clear-voiced. 

The scene represents a sittingroom at Ryan's, table in 
the rear of the center, chairs, couch, newspapers etc. 
Have the following ready at hand: — a bee, smoker 
(blowing contrivance to blow smoke with), an atomiz- 
er, filled with water, a gong on table, several silk 
handkerchiefs, a saucer, a bottle of water, an 'ofScAfiV 

letter (size No. 10 envelope). 

TMP92-009'^'^ 

...^ ©GI.D 57176 

WAR 19 1921 




The Germ Hunters 

Lizzie Ryan (and Abe Ryan) enter. (She with book in 

hand, sits on chair near table, he on couch. Both have 
silk handkerchief over mouth.) Abe, I wish to have 
this out with you . . . there is no other way to choose 
but to agree; and since I am the lady of the house, you 
will have to agree with me: You must wear a silk cloth 
over your nose and mouth while you are in the house 
and never breathe without one. And so must aunt An- 
na and Minnie tie a silk cloth over their nose. And 
every human soul that enters this house must be disin- 
fected by a thoro smoking-out. 

Ryan (drily.) With incense, or with sulphur? 

Liz (sternly). Don't try to be funny, Abe. .With sulphur, 
of course. So it is advised in this book (taps book) of 
sanitary caution: sulphur kills all kinds of germs with 
deadly certainty. And everybody who enters this house 
must be disinfected by sulphur fumes. 

Ryan (drily). Now see here, Lizzie, wouldn't it be easier 
work to hang everybody who enters here for five min- 
utes in the smoke house? 

Liz (tapping the floor with foot). Abe! This is a matter 
of life or death. Every man who dies, dies because he 
is infected with some kind of germs. Germs are con- 
tracted in many ways, either by breathing, or by con- 
tact, or by eating and drinking. This is what the un 
knowing public calls contagion .... We will not trans- 
plant any germs in this house, therefore Minnie has to 
wear a cloth tied over her mouth. 

Ryan. I am afraid she will refuse for she will not give in 
as easily as I did to have her mouth tied. 



Liz. Don't I wear a cloth over my mouth? 

Ryan. To be sure. And it looks very becoming on your 
face, while on mine it looks like a muzzle. 

Liz (austerely). Abe! Consider, please, that with this little 
precaution you are rendered immune against typhoid 
fever, tuberculosis, diphtheria and against all other 
kinds of poisonous microbes. — You will have to induce 
the hired girl Minnie to tie that cloth over her mouth. 

Ryan (frightened). I? Me? She'll get mad. 

Liz. That's nothing. 

Ryan. But she may bite me and infect me with hydropho- 
bia germs. 

Liz (assuringly). In that case you would instantly bathe 
the infected place with alcohol. Alcohol kills hydro- 
phobia germs. As a matter of fact, people should use 
more alcohol than they do. 

Ryan (excitedly). Now isn't that what I have been saying 
all this while? By right everybody should give his 
vitals a thoro soaking of spirits; it woijld make them 
very healthy. 

Liz (tipping the book with finger). Externally! I advo- 
cate the external use only, not the internal use. While 
I am thinking of it, our supply is almost used up. You 
may order a gallon of it today. 

Ryan. And how many glasses, pray? 

Liz (tipping foot on floor). Abe! Hold your horses. 
Don't try to make fun of everything I say. I am very 
serious. 

Ryan (soberly). So am I. 

Liz. Now, in order to finish — you will tie Minnie's 
mouth .... And I will induce Aunt Anna to wear a silk 
cloth over her mouth. « 



Ryan. She is your sister in body and soul, Lizzie, If 
sonjething should happen to you, remember I have 
warned you. 

Liz. Leave that to me. As for the rest I have already 
closed the door on death and destruction . . . . Our chick- 
en coop I have disinfected with chloride of potassium . . 

Ryan. Now look here, Lizzie, won't that induce the chick- 
ens to lay boiled eggs? 

Lizzie. Don't be funny, Abe. Our dove cot I have sprin- 
kled with a ten percent solution of carbolic acid .... 

Ryan. That's very strong, Lizzie. I am afraid that after 
this our beloved pigeon pie will taste like carbolic acid. 

Liz. What if it does? It would be very sanitary eating 
after all. Our toilets and closets I have dusted with 
chloride of lime; on the garbage pile I have sprinkled 
sulphuric acid, and have also placed a can of that disin- 
fectant in the woodshed. 

Ryan. Lizzie, I notice that whatever you do, 3^ou make a 
thoro job of it. You have turned our entire backyard 
into a terrible stink. 

Liz (austerely). Abe! A more refined language would 
sound better. I have disinfected, mind you. 

Ryan. The very same stuff. And not enough pf that — 
you want to fill this house with sulphur fumes. What 
do you call that? 

Liz. A sanitary precaution. The stronger the smell, the 
healthier the house will be. 

Ryan. Well — happily, we're muzzled; we shall get bftt a 
secpnd-hand whiff of that ill smell. I fear that you will 
arouse the ill will of our neighbors, for they will not 
consent so willingly to all this like your beloved hus- 
band. 
Liz (with superior air). As soon as they mutter a dissent- 



ing word, I'll call the Board of Health. Why, that big 
garbage pile of portly Mrs. Holzmann is a veritable in- 
cubator of killing germs. Honestly, I believe that's 
where I got my piercing toothache the other day. 

Ryan (aghast). The life of me. ... I hope you did not 
root it up, did you ? 

Liz (austerely). Abe! Tfle idea! Toothache as well as 

: any other ailment is caused by germs, mind you, disin- 
fection means protection from all infecting matter. 

Ryan. How now, if a man. bites his tongue? 

Liz. That's no sickness, Abe, that's simply your awk- 
wardness in chewing your tidbits. 

'Ryan. I always thought it to be the result of using ones 
teeth. 

Lix (discouragingly). Talk, and talk like a parrot. I sure- 
ly believe you are infected with talking germs. 

Ryan. And to me it appears that you are infected with 
stink-bugs .... 

Liz' (not paying any attention to him, tips gong on table). 
Very good. Now we are agreed on the course we are 
to take. As soon as Minnie enters, you will tie her 
mouth with a silk handkerchief, while I shall leave you 
to induce aunt Anna to do the same. 

Ryan (warningly). Lizzie, I caution you, remember she 
is of your own family. 

Liz (acquiescingly, waving hand). And I am glad she 
isn't of your family. For the rest I think more of 
your well-being than of anything else (to Minnie who 
enters). Mr. Ryan wants to talk to you, Minnie. — Af- 
ter you are thru here, you may set the bee smoker in 
readiness and bring it in here. Do you understand? 

Minnie. Bee smoker, you say ? Why ? are there bees 
here? 



Liz. Never mind, that's no business of yours. — Have the 
atomizer handy (lifts up silk handkerchief from table 
and puts it back again). Here is your cloth, Abe (exit). 

Minnie (stares after her, lips open). 

Eyan (when Liz. is out). Minnie, you speak of bees. . There 
are none here. But there are crickets in her head, a 
whole nest of them; whimsical foolish ideas, my child. 
And you know what that means for the rest of the fam- 
ily (walks to table, takes up handkerchief). Now come 
here, Minnie, I am going to muzzle you. 

Minnie (aghast, backing away). Sir, what do you take me 
for? 

Eyan (good naturedly). It's no use, Minnie, to balk. You 
can't balk out of this. I have been balking all my mar- 
ried life, but it did me no good. Come, be a pretty 
girl and let me tie your mouth. 

Minnie. Mr. Ryan, you must be mentally deranged . . . 

Eyan. Thanks, I'm quite well. But even this insinuation 
will not save you from the muzzle (makes efforts to tie 
^handkerchief over her nose). 

Minnie (pushing him back). Mr. Ryan, I'll call Mrs. 
Eyan, if you don't stop this. 

Eyan. Don't you do it. It is she, not me, who has or- 
dered your mouth to be muzzled. Look, and see, child, 
I am muzzled; so is she ... on account of better health, 
she claims. 

Minnie. I don't want to have a fool made of me. 

Eyan. Ah, you still have human pride left. It's good 
enough as long as you are single. After you get mar- 
ried, all your pride goes to the dogs. After all, the 
idea isn't so very awkward* You can laugh all you 



8 

want with the cloth over your mouth and Mrs. won't 
notice it. 

Minnie. I see nothing to laugh at. 

Eyan. Well, of the females! Doesn't see anything ridic- 
ulous in this affair! (laughs outright). Why, I have been 
splitting my sides for laughing at Mrs. Ryan's fool no- 
tions (laughs). Without this*muzzle I wouldn't be as 
happy as I really am, Minnie. 

Minnie (gaining interest). How ridiculous. Can't you 
laugh without that cloth ? 

Ryan. I wouldn't dare to, Minnie. It might disturb the 
peace of the family. Would you dare to laugh in the 
presence of Mrs. Ryan? I know you wouldn't risk it. 
But look at my mouth (lifts cloth). Under this cloth 
I've laughed it entirely out of shape (distorts mouth 
for her). 

Minnie (laughing). Oh. Mr. Ryan, you are the funniest 
sight i ever beheld (laughs)* Just to please you, I feel 
like doing it. But, suppose somebody walks in here — 
what will he think of us? 

Ryan (drops mouth cloth). They'll think this is a mad- 
house, and, I admit, they'll not be far from the truth. 
After all this is but a foolish whim of Mrs. (menacing- 
ly, shaking fist) — but don't you ever tell her — which, 
probably by tomorrow, she'll have exchanged for anoth- 
er Will you have it tied? 

Minnie. But you must not laugh at me. 

Ryan. If I should laugh at you, you have a perfect right 
to laugh back at me, child, (ties cloth over her' nose)* 
You know, child, it would be foolish to argue with 
fools; arguing would make them still more stubborn. 
The best argument against fools is laughter. I had my- 



self vaccinated with laughing germs. . . . because once 
in a while a man likes to have a little fun out of it all 
(has done with muzzling Minnie), pushes her gently 
aside, looks and laughs)* Hahahahaha! Now laugh a 
great laugh, Minnie — sub rosa, I meant to say. 

Minnie (laughs without showing it in her features). 

Ryan. Laugh, girl. Why don't you laugh? 

Minnie. I did laugh, Mr. Ryan. 

Ryan. You did? I didn't notice it. Your eyes are laugh- 
ing, as they always do. That's all. See, how nice this 
works? You don't have to cover your mouth when hil- 
arious; nobody sees it. Now give me a boisterous 
laugh. 

Minnie (laughs). 

Ryan. I heard a little cackling, but saw nothing of it in 
your face. Laugh like this (laughs improperly loud). 

Minnie (imitates this — laughs.) 

Ryan (finds this effort very funny, laughs at it). 

(While both are laughing, Mrs. Ryan enters, right af- 
ter her enters aunt Anna, cloth over mouth). 

Liz (austerely). Abraham Ryan! Do you call that pater- 
nal dignity? » 

Ryan (turning at the voice). Ah — ah! There I see. anoth- 
er couple of f — f — foo — fudge eaters (bows rever- 
ently) with padlocks on their mouth. 

Liz (austerely) » Abel More seriousness, I pray. 

Ryan. Easily said, Lizzie; but ^not so easily done. 
Wait, till I get my mouth in shape again (feels under 
cloth as if correcting mouth — sternly). See, how ser- 
ious I am? 

Minnie (laughs outright at him). 

Aunt Anna (turns back and laughs until she stands bent 
over). 



10 

Liz. What made you two lau^h so gaily when I came in, 
Abe? 

Ryan. Did we! Don't know about it.^ We practised 
blowing out germs. 

Liz. How silly, Abe. Germs can't be blown out. They 
must be killed. Here I brought something along (puts 
saucer on table and from small bottle pours water into 
saucer). This is alcohol. Now, come, and bathe your 
hands in this — all of you (all comply, dipping fore- 
finger in saucer and rubbing hands). 

Liz (rubbing her hands). Better make a thoro job of it. 
The worst places are right under the tips of the finger 
nails. 

Anna (rubbing). I clean mine every day with a manicure 
set and soap. 

Ryan (with importance). And I dip mine three times dai- 
ly into boiling water. 

Liz, Abe, if you only wouldn't try to act funny (to Min- 
nie). Did you bring in the bee smoker? 

Minnie (frightened). No, I didn't think of it. 

Liz. Didn't think of it! The idea. Our health and yours 
are the most important things to think of . . . Go and 
get it (exit Minnie). Annie dear, later on we shall, for 
the sake of our health, undergo a fumigation. 

Anna (with fright). Fumigate? Me too? with what? 

Abe (dignifiedly). With sulphur, Annie dear. 

Anna (excitedl;y). The absurdity. Don't imagine for a 
moment that I ^will permit myself to be suflFocated. 

Liz (soothingly). No idea of smothering you, Annie dear. 
See, those pernicious germs are settling everywhere, 
even in your dress, your hair, your shoes, and every 
imaginable place. Fumes of sulphur are considered a 
safe means of killing them. 



11 

Anna (alarmed). For the life of me, I can't stand the 
smell of sulphur. It takes my breath away instantly. 
If you're at the stage of tormenting me with fire and 
sulphur already, I will leave this moment. 

Abe (assuringly). Better have it done, Annie dear. It is 
a sure killer for bedbugs and lice. 

Minnie (returning with bee smoker, works it, and produ- 
ces fumes, in order to show its readiness). Here is 
your Rough-on-Rats- machine. 

Liz (sternly). I decline to have such improper words 
used in my presence (takes bee smoker in hand). Now 
line up, every one of you. 

Ryan (lines up in military fashion, facing audience). Bet- 
ter take your pill good naturedly . I have never spoiled 
anybody's fun. Annie dear, step up to my best side. 

Anna (stands at his right arm). Lizzie dear, just to please 
you, I'll do it, but as soon as the fumes suflfocate me, 
I'll scratch your eyes out. 

Minnie (stands at i^^nna's right arm, giggles), 

Liz (fumigating every one in a slow and thoro fashion, 
begins with blowing smoE:e at the feet and then works 
upward until she arrives at the shoulders. Talking 
while fumigating. Funny business by the others). 
This is but a precautionary measure, a prevention, so to 

^ speak, which may turn off great disaster* Do you re- 
member what happened at Frank's? Mr. Frank bought 
a little pet pat for his children, not knowing that this 
very pet was infested with diphtheria germs. You know 
what happened. His children caught the disease from 
the cat, and after two weeks all were dead and buried. 
One must not trifle with germs. 

Ryan (mocking seriousness). This sets me a-thinking. We 



12 

are still too indifferent, Lizzie, for we are eating unfum- 
igated bread every blessed day. 

Anna (ditto). And our drinking water has never been dis- 
turbed by a healthy fumigation. 

Liz (eagerly assenting). There you are both right. After 
this we shall sterilize every drop of water; we shall fum- 
igate all our dishes, the baking oven, the beds must be 
fumigated with sulphur smoke, and after sweeping the 
rooms we shall disinfect them with lysol. 

Ryan (softly, remindingly). You are fopgetting your 
stylish hats, Lizzie. 

Liz. To be sure, the hats must be fumigated, too. | 

Anna (indignantly). The hats? Don't y5u touch my new 
hat with that ugly stuff, I tell you. It will fade all the 
colors. Don't you dare. 

Liz (soothingly). Don't talk like a chicken, Annie dear. 

Of what use is a new hat if you catch disease and die ? ' 

Annie (resignedly). Go ahead, I'll soon die of this pest- 
iferous smoke anyhow, what's the use of living any 
longer. Ah-a-a-a-ah! (coughs). | 

Ryan (soothingly). Do not despair of life, Annie dear, 

she is only giving us hot air. \ 

Minnie (giggles, stealthily). ; 

Liz (austerely). Abe! I'm afraid you'll have to pay dear- 
ly for your frivolous mockery some day (to Minnie). 
And, Minnie, you must never forget to disinfect the 
table with alcohol before you set the dishes. This is very 
important. 

Anna (imitating her seriousness). And, Minnie, do not 
forget to rub every potato with carbolic acid before 
you boil it. 

Ryan (imitating, as before). And, Minnie, do not forget 



13 

to disinfect your mouth with lysol before you kiss your 
sweetheart. 

Liz (reprimandingly). What, in health's name, makes 
you think of kissing, Abe ? 

Ryan. Just a precautionary reminder, that's all., 

Liz. If that's the case, I'll overlook it. 

Anna. It appears to me that kissing, on account of ^ pub- 
lic health, should be prohibited by law. 

Ryan. A most excellent thought, Annie dear, which I 
second with all my heart. 

Liz. Abe, there is nothing here to be seconded by you. 
The beautiful custom of greeting your near relations 
by a kiss may remain undisturbed, for all that's needed, 
is to rinse your mouth with a ten percent solution of 
lysol, and the kiss won't hurt anybody. 

Anna. But who would want to kiss a person with such a 
mouth! 

Ryan. I rather think such perfumed kisses a novelty. 

Liz (acknowledgingly). There, Abe, that's the first sens- 
ible utterance from your lips this night. 

Minnie. And what am I to do with the towels, napkins, 
and other toilette articles, ma'am? I say this to remind 
you, that's all. 

Liz (approvingly). It is very good of you to think of 

that, Minnie, for such articles are very liable to impart 

germs. From now on we shall use only paper towels, 

napkins and the like, and throw them into the furnace 

* after use. 

Ryan (enthusedly). Great, Lizzie! I shall this very day 
get me a pair of paper trousers and .... 

Minnie (giggles, outright). 

Liz (austerely). Abe, don't make yourself ridiculous, I 



14 

pray you. Always remember your housefatherly dig- 
nity. ' 

Ryan (ruefully). You're right after all, Lizzie. Paper 
trousers would seem entirely out of place on me; but a 
paper skirt would look like a peach on you. ^ 

Anna and Minnie (giggle at this, Lizzie makes a disap- 
proving face at them). 

Teller (enters, amazed at the scene before him, remains 
at the door). Pardon me for intruding. I knocked at 
the door, but no one came to let me in. Hearing voices 
inside, I concluded that I was not heard, and simply 
walked in. You must know that I am the city's tax col- 
lector. Teller is my name (all actors turn face towards 
him, look surprised). 

Ryan (meets him at the door). How is that? You are the 
tax collector, you say? 

Teller. With your kind permission, sir (draws book from 

' coat pocket). Your taxes, Mr. Ryan, amount to $52.81. 
May I pray you to hand the amount over ? 

Ryan. Presently, Mr. Teller, presently. But before I 
am allowed to touch you or the money, you must be 
disinfected. That's the inviolable rule in this house. 

Teller (disturbed). What's that? Disinfected. I did not 
quite get you. 

Ryan. Yes, sir, disinfected. You see, your business brings 
you into many houses and families infested with germs. 
We keep our house free of them, and before we can 
permit you to enter this room, Ve have to fumigate 
you. , 

Teller (smilingly). No need of being alarmed, Mr. Ryan. 
I am not collecting germs but taxes, you must under- 
stand. 



15 

Byan (takes bee smoker in hand). No use of talking, Mr* 

Teller, you must either submit to the rules of this bouse 

or get out of here (blows smoke at Teller's shoes, and 

works upward on his clothing). 
Teller (jumping from spot to spot, while he is fumigated). . 

Sir, what's getting into you . , . what's ailing you? Are 

you out of your senses ? . . . . Has your thinking box 

been deranged? 
Byan (while proceeding with fumigation). Nothing the 

matter at all, Mr. Teller. We cherish health above 

wealth, that's all. 
TfsUer (still jumping). Stop that What's the idea? 

Stop that, I say .... This is foolishness. , 
liiz. Don't give up, Abe, soak him well and good. He 

may just have been in a house where they had cholera, 

or typhoid, or similar diseases. 
Teller (still making jumping steps). Stop that foolhardi- 

ness, I say .... I believe I have fallen into a madhouse. 
Liz (indignantly). Madhouse?! — Sir, you are insulting 

sane minded people. Shame on you. 
Ryan. Don't lose your temper, Lizzie, I'll soon have him 

germ-free. 

Teller (coughingly). Say, Mister, are you aware that you 
are smothering me with that infernal stink. Leave off, 
or I'll smash your disordered brain roof for you. 

Liz (with hurt feelings). Such coarse talk! Why, Mis- 
ter, your education is more than ordinarily lacking in 
many respects. You are a regular germ breeder, and 
it makes you inad to see that we refuse to be infected 
by you. Stop jumping like a grasshopper. Stand still, 
. will you? * 

Ryan (still fumigating). Lizzie, don't get excited on his 



16 

account. He's got those terrible hydrophobia germs, 
but I'll fix him. 

Teller (jumping towards entrance, irefuUy). I'll report 
this crazy behavior, mind you. I'll go right up to the 
chief of police and tell him all about the lunatics I met 

in this place (coughs) My whole suit has been 

spoiled by these suffocating fumes .... I'll make you 
pay for it, mind you (hops out of door and slams it 
back). 

Kyan (disappointedly). The rogue, now that I had him 
cleaned, he skips off. i 

Anna (shaking with laughter). He surely got enough of 
health today. 

Liz (with hacking cough). I hope he can't harm us. 

Eyan. Sure, he can. But what of it? I've never before 
got rid of a tax collector in such a short while. I am 
beginning to like this fumigating business. 

Liz. Do you believe he can bring a law suit against us ? 

Eyan. Most certainly. 

Liz (scared). Oh . . . And do you suppose we must go to 
court with him? 

Eyan. As surfe as daylight, Lizzie. I am going to be sued 
by him, and all three of you will be summoned as wit- 
nesses. 

Liz (with wringing hands). Who would have believed 
such baseness possible! 

Eyan (good naturedly). Don't be alarmed, Lizzie. If we 
must go to court, I'll take this smoking machine with 
me to defend you. You will see the courtroom vacated 
in less than two minutes when I start in with fumigation. 
Everybody, even the judge, is afraid of being gassed. 
And out we come victorious and rejoicing. 



17 

Minnie (has been giggling all this while, now being near 
convulsions, leaves secretly by way of the door). ' 

Anna. And i will sing the song of victory when we leave 
the courtroom. So you may surely count on me. 

Liz. Annie dear, I pray you, how can you talk so brave 
about it? See, I am shaking for fear and fright. I hate 
to go to law. 

E,yan. Do not shake, Lizzie, our conscience is clear. 

Liz* You are good enough to say that, Abe, but who 
knows — who knows? 

Anna (mockingly). Well, now, Lizzie dear, can't you 
fumigate your conscience in order to clean it of bad 
germs ? . 

Liz. I'm afraid not, at least my book doesn't say it. 

Minnie (peeps in thru open door). Oh, Mrs. Ryan, there 
is some one in the kitchen who likes to speak to you. 

jRyan. Send himan for a moral cleaning. 

Liz (spreading arms out against Ryan). Abe, don't be 
funny (to Minnie). Who is it? 

Minnie (thru opening of door). Our neighbor Mrs. Holz- 
mann. 

Liz, Oh she, that German taddle-tale. I don't care to see 
her. 

Minnie. She says she must see you on very important 
business. 

Liz. See me? Why, I didn't do anything, did I? (to An- 
na). She is so very uneducated and always starts a quar- 
rel. I would like to refuse seeing her. 

Anna. She isn't so bad as that. Let her come in and I'll 
see what she wants while you hide behind the door. 

Liz. That's a fine suggestion, and I'll carry it out this 
very moment (steps behind door, comes back). Just be- 



18 

cause I love peace and shun quarreL . . I say this in 
order to avoid a possible misinterpretation (again steps 
behind door). 

Ryan. The way it seems her conscience needs fumigation. 

Anna (hisses to him). Siss! (to Minnie). Show Mrs. Holz- 
mann in (Minnie draws head back). • 

Mrs. Holzmann (very loquacious, talks with a German 
twang). Good day, all of you. Na, dis is good dat I 
meet you here. It has hurt me so in my breast so dat 
I said to Minnie, I can not stand the stink any longer, 
it is strangling me (has meanwhile been approaching 
towards the center, leaving an open space between her 
back and the door). Yes, it strangles me off, for I can 
stand anything but strong smelling, and dis smells like 
mad. It takes away all my wind (Ryan has meanwhile 
stepped between her and the door .and softly blows 
smoke against her heels, which rises from under her 

* dress). Mit your kind permission, says I to Mrs, Don- 
ner, dis looks to me as if that distorted Mrs. Ryan is 
trying to drive us out mit her bad stink (notes rising 
fumes from under her dress, jumps aside, claps hands 
ab4)ve her head, very much frightened). Mein Yett- 
chen, am I burning? (shakes skirt). I am smelling fire — 
a stink as if wool is burniijg (beholds Ryan standing 
behind her). Have you s^t ine on fire? (shakes dress 
vehemently). 

Ryan. I have disinfected you, Mrs. Holzmann. 

Holzmann. So. Yes, I believe dat dissenfect you! Such 
an old boy allows him such bad fun mit an respectable 
lady. And you do not shame yourself? And such dings 
his old woman gives in to. Yes, I believe dat I disin- 
fect you (shaking dress). 



19 

Ryan (soothingly). Now, Mrs. Holzmann, I did not mean 
it that bad. You must know we are germ hunters .... 

Holzmann (interruptingly). Yes, dat's just how you look 
you mit your slabber cloth over your maul. Meine 
Zeit, wie sehendie Leute aus! — Must dey wear a foul 
napkin on their mouth on a bright sunny day! Dat's 
how people act who aren't square in deir hed. Don't 
you touch my dress again, I tell you, you old slabber- 
chops. I am a decent woman and him who comes too 
near me I reach one or two mit my fist wat is not of 
pappe, mind you .... (to Anna) I just dreaded to come 
over here, for dose people are not square-headed, I said 
to Mi^. Donner. But she says, dey won't eat you alive, 
and now dis fop is trying to roast me alive. Well, I 
say! And you stand there like a monkey mit an open 
mouth and laugh me out. 

Anna. Good Mrs. Holzmanm, let me explain: — ]\(Iy sis- 
ter, Mrs. Ryan, would make us all very healthy so dis- 
ease iand death could not touch us. She has ordered us 
to wear mouth cloths and to be fumigated. Mr. Ryan 
was not making a fool of you, but was executing our 
sanitary rule when he fumigated you. He was doing 
this for our health. 

Mrs. Holzmann. Yes, and dis gestank you call healthy, 
he? Dat's why I'm here for. Mrs. Donner and Mrs. 
Wulk said to me: Mrs. Holzmann, dis won't go any 
longer, you must go to her and make order over there: 
For why ? Out of her chicken barn and her dove cot 
and her woodshed comes a stench dat gives me fainting 
spells. Yes, I wouldn't lose a word if it was a natural 
"stench, but is it natural? It smells after singed hair 
and dead fishes and asaf oetidae mixed together. And you 



20 

call that healthy? Wat? Mrs. Donner says, if we 
can't stop this perfume, we have to move out here. 
And wat will we get for our house and lot. In such a 
bad smell no one will move in. People won't have it, 
if we give it away, mind you. Now 1 come over here 
to make her stop this or to pay us damages. She al- 
ways wants to be such a fine lady, and then poisons the 
whole neighborhood so cats and dogs die of her bad 
gas. We won't stand dis any longer, for we have to 
take Hoffman's drops every ten minutes for better 
wind and where shall we get the money to buy Hoff- 
man's drops with? I am here to find out about dis. 
Where is the woman Mrs. Ryan? 

Liz (stepping forward, irefully). Here she is. 

Holzm. (scared). Look, behind dat door she has been hid- 
ing. Well, den you know all I have said. Will you 
stop dat bad smell ? 

Liz (emphatically). No, never! For that which you in 
your scientific innocence have termed a bad smell and 
worse than that, is a precautionary measure to prevent 
disease . . . 

Holzm. (interruptingly). I believe you, for that is just 
how it smells. When we lived on the farm one of our 
horses died and the cattle doctor put something on him 
dat smelled just like your healthy stuff. And he called 
it pestilence, too. So dat's what it is. And dis smel- 
ling pestilence you have spread on your garbage pile 
and in your woodshed and in your chicken barn. Well, 
tastes may differ, but I tank ypu for the eggs and chick- 
en roast. I'm sure'no dog will%ant them. No won- 
der dat you people are all standing with mouth and nose 
tied up; I don't blame you now I know what is de mat- 
ter. 



21 

Jjiz (haughtily)- You ignorant person call my disinfec- 
tant a pestilencial stench? What do you know about 
science, anyhow? What do you know; about germs and 
baccilli ? 

Holzm. Don't fool yourself, for I am keeping all kinds 
of German pills in my house and once in a while I take 
one or two of them, but never have I infected the en- 
tire neighborhood with them. I am too clean for dat. 

Liz (folding hands above head). Abe .... this is too strong 
for my nerves .... My knees are getting weak under 
me .... fetch that woman out of the house. 

Kyan (stepping forward). Mrs. Holzmann, there are 
times when a person must stop and go home. Please 
go home now and tell your neighbors- that this matter 
will be settled to their satisfaction. 

Holzm. I did not say anything about matter, wat I want 
is clean air, so a person can stick her nose out de win- 
dow without, fainting, dat's all. And all dat bad smell 
comes from dis place. 

Anna (soothingly). Good Mrs. Holzmann, you have heard 
now that this matter will be settled satisfactorily. Please 
go and tell your neighbors so. Will you? 

Holzm. Why not? . Let Mrs. Ryan take dat slabby cloth 
away from her mouth, so she gets better wind, and 
she'll be alright. It might be well to unbutton her 
waist for her, for dat would set her breast free ... Yes, 
yes, I go now as soon as Mrs. Ryan promises me to stop 
dat smell. 

Ryan. Promise her, Lizzie, and we'll get rid of her. 

Anna (enticingly). Yes, Lizzie dear, do her this favor and 
she'll go. 

Liz (obstinately). What? do you urge me to apologize 



22 

before this ignorant person, to give her a promise which 
may mean the death of all of us ? Never* 

Hoizm. Very well, den. She who will not, will not. 
Now I'll go to de police and make complaint. Dat's wat 
I do next. 

Eyan (urgingly). Lizzie, consider the peace of the neigh- 
borhood and give the desired promise. 

Minnie (puts in head). There is a policeman in the kitchen. 

Anna (folding hands above her head). There, that settles 
it. Now we will all have to go to court and tell them 
about this tomfoolery. 

Minnie. He wants to see Mr. Ryan. Shall I let him in? 
(looking back). There he is already. 

Filling (enters with big envelope in hand). 

Ryan (to Lizzie). Must I fumigate him? Must I apply 
the bee smoker? 

Filling (taking letter from envelope and unfolding it). I 
suppose this is where Mr. Ryan lives. 

Anna. Yes, sir, this is the place. 

Filling (addressing Ryan). Mr. Ryan, this paper tells 
you that you are sued for misdemeanor and disorderly 
conduct and that you are summoned to appear in the 
courtroom tomorrow morning at nine o'clock precisely. 
Herie is a copy of the complaint (hands over papers). 

Holzm. There, it's done already. I s'pose Mrs. Wulk 
has seen her lawyer about it. 

Ryan. This is bright. I am sued for misdemeanor and 
have never hurt a fly (to Mrs. Ryan). Come here and 
prove that. 

Li^. What wrong has he done ? 

Filling. You'll find that stated in the complaint he is hol- 
ding in his hand. Read it. 



23 

Ryan (unfolding letter). I guess the man is right (reads): 
Abe Ryan and his wife Lizzie Ryan are hereby sum- 
moned. . . . (speaks) you, too, are sued, Lizzie. . . . 

Liz (despairingly). Who has done that? Just tell me who 
had the audacity to sue me. 

Ryan. We'll find that out as we read along (reads): sum- 
moned to appear in court on account of alleged misde- 
meanor and disorderly conduct.... (speaks). There, 
didn't I tell you that you would get us into trouble ? 

Liz (complainingly). Oh, how bad some people are I 1 have 
only killed germ?, that's all. 

Ryan (speaks). Listen! ^ (reads). . . . disorderly conduct 
by infecting the air of the neighborhood with a pestil- 
encial stench which resembles decaying fish and like 
bad odors ... 

Liz (interruptingly). That isn't so. I have used nothing 
but clean disinfectants such as lysol, sulphur, potash, 
carbolic acid- and the like, which are considered sanitary 
odors. 

Anna. Well, to say the least, for the life of me, I couldn't 
find any sweet fragrance in them. 

Holz. Dear me, no; it's stringing a person's throat like a 
rope. 

Liz (snappishly, toMrs.Holzmann). It has to smell strong, 
or it wouldn't kill the poisonous germs. 

Ryan (to Lizzie). Listen, there's more coming (reads): It 
is furthermore alleged that this bad smell has killed a 
pet dog of Mrs. Donner and that Mrs. Wulk's pet cat 
was thrown into fits on account of it. It is claimed 
that all the wells in the neighborhood are rendered im- 
pure and poisonous because of this stench and the water 
therein undrinkable .... 



24 

Liz. (in sad ecstasy). Oh, how bad they are! And I meant 
it so well with all of them. 

Ryan (continuing). There is still more coming- Listen 
(reads) ... undrinkable. It is furthermore alleged 
that the airing of rooms and opening of windows has 
been rendered impossible in the neighborhood,' for as 
soon as doors and windows are opened, a stench penet- 
rates everything which causes people with a weak heart 
to faint and spoils foodstuffs and everything perishable. 
Mrs. Wulk claims that her canary bird has lost his sweet 
voice because of this foul smell and asks the court that 
at least $50.00 damage be paid her. Mrs. Donner says 
that she received an attack of asthma on account of this 
bad odor, that she had to g^t a girl to do her house- 
work, which costs her $6.00 per week; she wants dam- 
ages of $100.00 paid her. All the neighbors claim dam- 
age for their pet do^ and cats which were poisoned by 
the -unnatural foul smell. Mr. Donner claims that he 
lost his appetite, and therefor asks damages paid him 
for this loss as well as for sleepless nights, workless 
days and spoiled foodstuffs. Witness are all the people 
of the neighborhood who have suffered more or less be- 
cause of this nuisance (speaks): There you got 

the pie, Lizzie. Imagine the damages I will have to 
pay because of your sanitary undertakings. 

Liz. And I only intended to make everybody well! 

Anna (very seriously). And by doing that you have spread 
disease and death and almost murdered the whole neigh- 
borhood. 

Holzm, Meine Guete, who is able to stand such foulness! 
Dat Mrs. Wulk has seen the lawyer already, I did not 
know when I came here. Now if Mrs. Ryan only would 



25 

promise me to stop this murder at once, I believe every- 
body would be satisfied and withdraw the complaint. 

Anna. And that would be a nice ending of this germ kil- 
ling business. 

Holzm. But as Mrs. Ryan insists on doing as much mis- 
chief as she possibly can, the law must have its course. 

Ryan (to Mrs. Hozlm). She will not insist, she will stop 
this at once — from this minute, I'll guarantee you, 
Mrs. Holzmann (takes off silk handkerchief). Look, 
there is the beginning of a noble end. 

Anna (takes off her mouth cloth). And I shall follow his 
good example, Mrs. Holzmann (holds handkerchief up 
to her view), for I played the fool only to please my 
sister. 

Lizzie. Well, I guess I must In order to end the in- 
convenience of my neighbors . . (takes off mouth 

cloth and raises it before the view of the actors) all 

applaud, except Filling) But it was all printed in 

that book of Health I read. 

Ryan. That may be alright as long as nobody puts such 
nonsense into practice, Lizzie. Imagine, your germ 
killing would cost me in the neighborhood of five hund- 
red dollars if the law suit is carried out. 

Liz (decidedly). No, Abe, I don't want you to pay that 
(to Mrs. Holzmann). Go and tell your neighbors that I 
from this day on will do no more disinfecting. I shall 
make all these bad smells innoxious by pouring a bottle 
of eau de Cologne over them, and that I ask them to 
withdraw their complaint (to the audience). This neigh- 
borhood evidently is not ready for the higher science . 
that I wanted to inocculate here. 

Holzm. Na, dat's all I wanted here, and everydings is 



26 

good again. Please don't take it for bad- dat I come 
over here ...... fresh air is all we care for. 

Ryan (assuringly). We all know that no offense was in- 
tended on your part^ Mrs. Holzmann. The otner ladies 
went to their lawyer, but you came over here to tell us 
about your grievance before you took other steps; that's 
what I consider neighborly friendship. You ai'e the 
only friend of ours left in the neighborhood.— Tell your 
friends that I will show my appreciation by ordering 
the street sprinkler to sprinkle rosewater on h\\ the ad- 
joining premises. I sincerely hope that will bring back 
all the former fragrance of our happy neighborhood. 
And, please do not forget to inform them that I will 
present to every lady a boquet of American Beauty 
ros^s as big as a wagon wheel. 

Liz (accommodatively). And the germ killing will stop 
forever. 

Anna. Good. Now I may again open my window and let 
in fresh air. 

Holzm. But how about Donner's dog and Wulk's cat? 

Ryan. Oh, I see. Tomorrow I shall revive every blessed 
one of them. 

Holzmann (shaking hands with every one). Na, den 
everydings is aFright again. Den I will say goodby and 
go home (curtain when last hand is extended). 



End. 



\f-. 



